I AM A ZOMBIE!!!

yes its true i officially am a zombie! well...i feel like one anyways!
in all honesty i don't really know how i feel anymore. i've kind of lost myself over the past few months. i even think i've turned into a hermit (i think thats the word i'm looking for).
I've become so wrapped up in myself, keeping my thoughts in my head instead of expressing them that finally i cracked. i broke down in tears during dinner with my boyfriend yesterday. kind of embarrassing. i'm not even sure why i broke down but i did.....twice! the second time was when i tried to tlk about my feelings and whats in my head to my mum. i find it hard to tell people whats going on in my head. i feel like they wont understand. I've been trying to come off my anti depressants for almost 3 months and in all honesty, i had no idea that it would be just as hard to get off them as it was to get on them. my sleeping pattern is all over the place. some nights i get 3 hours sleep others i get 8. some mornings i wake up all happy and cheery, other days i can barely move out of bed. i get really down in the dumps easily and its hard to explain all of this on top of the extra emotions i'm feeling to my friends and family. i think the only person who understands me at the moment is my boyfriend. i am so lucky that i have him. he puts a smile on my face even when i'm blubbering for no reason! he puts up with my mood swings, me being constantly ill, and my awful back.
i really do feel like i'm a completely different person at the moment. its almost like i'm half myself. i dont want to do anything other than sleep. and thats not like me at all! i've got myself into this vicious circle and i need to break it. its easier said than done though.

"crying isnt a sign that you're weak, since birth it has always been a sign that you're alive"

home is where the heart is, well its where i am at least!

well i'm in a home it may not be my own, but its a home.

i have the day off from college which means technically i now have a 5 day weekend...SCORE!

so i'm chilling out in the boyfriends house all day. i was ment to be going out with my friend christina but shes not very well. which means i have the house to myself! i could go out if i wanted to but i'm so cosy! i probably should go out but i cant be bothered haha!

i've been trying to find a photo of the kind of fringe i want, to show my hair dreser next week. and after looking through 50 pages of hair cuts on photobucket i think i have found only 1 similar photo. kind of disappointing really! but i cannot even wait to get my hair cut. i havent had it cut in oover 3 months, possibly longer! my layers have all grown out and my hair just looks pretty bland at the moment. so excited!

i've been thinking for a while now about changing my style. i mean i dress pretty tom boy-ish, heck sometimes i look like my wardrobes just throw up on me! i want to change my style slightly, nothing to over the top or tooo different. maybe just add a bit more grown up rock chick to the mix. exept for maybe those days when you just want to bum about in leggings or jeans. cant live without those days.

"we can get what we want out of it"

"But I'm just a ghost "

i still dont feel right. i cant quite explain it in all honesty. its like i'm me but at the same time i'm somebody else too. i feel so lost, scared and helpless. but then i'll perk up for a bit and feel on top of the world, like nothing can get me down.
but of course this doesnt last long. maybe i've been bottling up my feelings for too long. i should really vent myself more often. even if i dont feel like it. well theres no time like the present now is there.

i guess the first thing on my mind is this whole thing about my boy telling me he thought a girl in work would look good in a pair of french knickers. sounds silly that this should upset me. but it did. i'm not the worlds most secure person, nor the most confident. i was ok with it until i saw who she was for myself. and when i did i swear i felt myself crumbling on the inside. i mean shes stunning! long legs, a size 6 maybe even a 4!! long brown hair. you know the typical girl you want to hate. i know he's told me he's sorry he told me and that he wouldnt go near her but the thing is he works with her. he's her supervisor for fucks sake! of course he's gonna see her all the time. i'm trying my hardest not to let it all get to me but i'm sure other girls would feel the same in my position.

secondly. i've just started back at college. its been weird to say the least. i've had a few anxiety attacks since i;ve been back. i'm pretty sure its all because i'm back at college and a lot has changed. we're now applying for uni, and that scares the hell out of me. i know there are other people who feel the same as me and are probably shitting themselves too. its just such a big thing to go through. i mean i'll be leaving home, living in a city i dont really know, in a building with people i dont know. thats the biggest thing that scares me. i saw some photos earlier of someones freshers week and nearly fainted! there is no way i would survive the first week of freshers if i drank the amount these guys did. i can barely manage two pints let alone a whole crate to myself! and another thing is there flat was so unbelievably trashed. i dont think i could live in a place where your flatmates scrawl the word cunt in chocolate all over your kitchen. that would just do my head in.

and lastly well.
i guess i'm praying that my uncles cancer miraculously disappears. i've seen someone go through that before and in all honesty, i think i would break in half if i had to watch another person go through all of that. i mean i know i dont speak to the guy i saw go through it anymore, but i wouldnt wish what he went through on my worst enemy.


i'm going to bed its far too late

"i'm slipping into a world that doesn't belong to me"

"I don't want to be alone. But now I feel like I don't know you"

tonight has been a weird night to say the least!

2 anxiety attacks in one night is not my idea of fun. and whats worse is that i dont even have the faintest idea why i had them! i wish i didnt have this body anymore, its completely broken! if i'm not ill, i'm aching. its getting beyond a joke now.

i also just found out one of my uncles has bowl cancer too, which to be honest shocked the hell out of me. i dont think i can go through this again with another person. the last time broke me enough. i pray to god that he will be ok and that his health will restore its self over night. i do not want to witness the pain and suffering this horrible disease does again, i'll crumble!

i'm not myself at the moment and i'm not sure why. i'm guessing coming off my medication has something to do with it but i really do feel like a completely different person. i'm just not happy. i feel sick constantly, anxious all day long. i mean come on! i've had enough of this already. when am i going to go back to being me? isnt it time already! i'd like me back please if it isnt too much to ask. oh and my confidence would be nice too. i miss it ALOT!


"and in the free fall i will realize, i'm better off when i hit the bottom"

"next time you point the finger i might have to bend it back and break it off"

i've had one of the most stressful days ever!

i'm not gonna lie, i was tempted to punch my tutor square in the nose.
obviously i would never really do that because a, i would get kicked off my course and b, i'm not a violent person, angry sometimes but not violent.
he just infuriates me when he takes control of my work and when i need his help he buggers off to help the rich kids. i mean i know their rich but come on, no need to suck up to them! i waited an entire day for him just to help me with my set which royally pissed me off, not to mention that still life is possibly the most mind numbingly, boring part of photography. i mean seriously, anyone could do still life, even my dog could do still life. i need a challenge, i like a challenge, GIVE ME A BLOODY CHALLENGE!!!


not only have i had to deal with the stresses of incompetent tutors but, theres been this big who-har in college between a friend of mine, and some other girls over something which quiet frankly didnt need to be turned into a slanging match. arguing over whos gonna "bang" (thats punch to me and you) each other first. but the thing is, i'm easily influenced and feel pressured to join in with these shenanigans, despite feeling guilty inside. i dont know whats wrong with me, surely i should be able to stick up for myself by now? clearly not!

on a brighter note, i listened to paramores new album today, which in all honesty its completely different to their old stuff. not one of the songs is catchy and thats what i like about it. i think my favourite song at the moment is playing god, possibly misguided ghosts too. i'm not fully decided as of yet. i was going to wait until my order of brand new eyes turned up on my doorstep but, it was posted on their website and all over every web site i go on and i caved in to the pressure. OH WELL!


"I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back, don't try to follow me, cause I'll return as soon as possible, see I'm trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe"

"its essentially nose humping"

so... its 2:51am and i am wide awake yet again! i really need to get my sleeping in order. especially as this year is my final year in college before uni. i need to make sure i have good grades! ooh which reminds me i need to actually get off my bum and do my college work at home, i nee to be strict with myself. its just so gosh darn hard! you know what i mean right?

It's also getting to that time of year when yet again i decided "hey lets get healthy and loose some weight", i say this about 6 times a year and never manage to full fill this idea. its hard man, when you try and eat the healthy stuff but your mum keeps buying the cakes and the biscuits, even tho she knows your trying to be good! but hey i can keep trying. its not like I'm obese or anything, I'd just like to shed the few excess pounds i have and in all honesty gain some energy that i simply do not have. i'm tired of getting out of breath when i run. anyways we'll see how this one goes....

I'm really excited for this weekend. I'm spending the whole weekend at my boyfriends house and for the first time in our relationship his house is gonna be empty for the whole weekend! which means we actually get to be one of those couples that hogs the tv and lays all over the sofa all snuggled up. sounds kinda gay but you have no idea how frustrating it is, when your boys dad insists you watch egg heads instead of the simpsons! i'm kinda hoping this weekend will give us both an insight as to what it would really be like living together on our own. exciting stuff!

earlier i stumbled across some screen shots of an article in kerrang magazine about my favourite band paramore. and i noticed that the photos of the band where actually really creative. not your bog standard shot of a band sitting on a sofa, with over contrasting colours. this was something really creative, something i havent seen in music photography and quite frankly its about time! dont get me wrong i love music photography, its something i love to do myself (well the live side of it anyways), but most promotional stuff you see these days is just generaly the same pose for every band just set out in a different location, with the same over editing and use of the contrast button. these photograph make me want to experiment with my own ideas and creative flare when i go back to college. i think i might try to recreate these photos first before attempting my own versions, and adding my own twist to the mix. I'm really inspired, thank you Dave Willis for restoring my faith in music photography!

wow its 3:05am, i really should start sleeping like a normal human being! but its kinda hard when you've been confined to your house for almost a week and half because your little bro has the swine flu. its stupid, there should be boredom packages sent out to all families who have someone with swine flu in there house. you have no idea how bored you can get of watching tv all day! and thats where the bad sleeping pattern emerged! i stayed up so late watching tv that i've slept until 12 catching up on the Zzzzz's and now i'm stuck in this vicious circle of being awake at 3am.

speaking of being awake i should be asleep! my bed is calling me, finally it wants a slumber party!

"co-ordinate brain and mouth"

i'm not doing very good at this blog thing am i?

in all honesty i've been avoiding talking about myself or my feelings for a while.
its kinda like i dont want to admit theres a problem when deep down under the surface i know there is.
i haven't been or felt like myself in a long time. i'm becoming more drawn into myself and i dont like it not one bit.
but what can i do to change back? pretend everythings ok? well that will only work for a short time.
i wish i was 16 again, i used to have so much confidence in myself.
i wish i wasnt scared to show people the real me, but i am and i need to deal with that.
why do things have to change? why do we have to change?
if only we could all be children forever, immature and easily amused.
i guess coming off anti depressants doesnt help my thought process but, why should it be so hard?
shouldnt it be as simple as putting pen to paper? i guess not.
i feel like a fake drug addict, i'm not craving the pills just suffering the withdrawal effects. not exactly like sipping a nice hot chocolate i can tell you!
imagine feeling nauseous from the minute you wake up to the minute you fall asleep, everyday for the past almost 2 weeks, and thats exactly how i feel. not to mention the mood swings, headaches and the ability to suddenly feel down in a matter of minutes for absolutely no reason.

i'm rambling now, this post hasnt exactly been successful, but hey its good to vent!

"every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore"

"guess who's back with a brand new track"

i havent blogged in over a month and i feel kinda bad! forgive me comfort blanket????.....awesome! lets continue!

so this last month ahs been a lonnngggg one!
the highlight being that i went to wakestock thanks to a friend getting me and the mr on the guestlist which to be honest was bloody fun! my first festival experience, at times it was a bit grungey and the hangovers were not cool! BUT.....that first night we got so wasted was one of the funniest and scariest nights in my life! i seriously cant even remember how i ended up in a portaloo at 4am, so confusing. must have been the drink :')

the bad thing about wakestock was that i sprained a ligament in my back from dancing and the fact we missed NERD due to terential rain and wind :( never mind tho the mr has promised we shall go see them some other time which is all good.

I also tried my hand at something i've wanted to try for a long time. I attempted to put some of my lyrics to some music with my boyfriend. i didnt release until we tried that its actually one of the most frustrating and hard things to do in the world! its not as easy as bands make out at all. i also think its not a good idea for couples to song write it just causes friction.

my mum thinks shes found me a singer teacher though which is good. I'm not an awful singer but i definately need to learn how to warm my vocals properly and how to get the most out of my voice.

i've realised over the past few months that photography really isnt my first passion in life but music is. i kind of regret not doing music at college but after seeing so many friends just fall on their face and become stoners from that course i think i did the right thing. i hope that at some point in the very near future i can start a band and get my lyrics properly written into full length songs. i'd love to perform on stage to a crowd of screeching people.

i'm starting to babble again when i really have a million photos to edit.
hopefully i wont abandon you again.

"if at first you dont suceed, by another drink!"

topic? what topic?

wow! its almost been a whole month since my last update. i didn't even realize time had flown by so fast! what a month it has been.

summer is finally here! well at least the humid air is! and i have tanned on only one half of my body....nice!

I've been trying to think of a topic for my summer project for college and i got to say i am struggling a bit!
i know i want to base my theme around fashion, but which area of fashion i do not know! its beginning to really irritate me!

Its all if a sudden gone hot again and i do not have the patience to sit here and write a HUGE ass blog today! maybe I'll write one tomorrow. we shall see.

oh but! i did write a new song the other day about groupies and obsessed fans. its kinda become my favourite song I've written :)

"Dear comfort blanket, i need a cuddle"

I'm incredibly hungover today. its my own fault, but still doesn't help! I went out to a goth night last night in wrexham! i had possibly the funniest night i've had in a while!
but i realised half way through drowning my liver that, tomorrow is my friends anniversary of his death. which made me drink more! i ended up on self destruct mode. i drank a stupid amount of alcohol (for my lightweight self anyways) and by the time my boyfriend picked me up i could barely talk straight let alone walk in a straight line.

I dont know what else to say today but i'll leave you with a part of my song i wrote a few weeks ago:

"I know I will never get it
Not even if I search for it
I don’t want to know
I just need to understand

I hope you’re happy now
It’s all I ever wanted
Even if at times
I never said it

I love you, I love you
I hate you, I hate you
I miss you, I miss you
Come back,
Come back to me,
I’m begging you please!
Please just wake up"

"I hope you had the time of your life"

I'm in a bit of a fowl mood today. It's suddenly dawned on me that its the anniversary of my friends death soon. I was alright until out of no where a picture so bloody vivid of him popped into my head. And now i cant stop picturing it. Since he died I've never really pictured his face, not even when i talk about him, and seeing his face so clear like that frightened me in a way!
I miss him and i love him dearly, but at the same time i hate him. Or more i hate what he did. To end your life with no explanation at all is selfish! I still cant get my head around that.
I'm trying hard not too let this all get me down but it doesnt help that i'm under pressure at the moment. I have so much anger built up inside of me, i fear that i'll end up unleashing it on someone i love.

So in order to avoid hurting someone i love, i'm going to just write, write and write. whether i end up with songs, poems or just journal pieces, i dont care! But i cant let this eat me up any more!


For Trevor, because he loved this song!

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

"Fuck you, Fuck you very much!"

well, after having a beasting from both jons (my tutors in case you were wondering!) I managed to finished two projects in college which to be honest, could have been done sooner except i am a lazy shite! And in all fairness, they were possibly the two most boring projects ever! but never mind because they got done in the end!

I also got informed that if i finish all my work by the 15th I'll get a 100 pound bonus! that's some incentive right there!

Something i am not too pleased about is, the fact i have an abscess on my tooth! I went to the dentist earlier and was told (after a very painful xray), that i would need to have that tooth removed! Which for anyone who knows me, knows how incredibly terrified i am about needles and dentists. not to mention the idea of having any of my teeth removed. Although strangely i am not scheduled to have it removed until august which is a long way off.

To keep my mind off my tooth i've been window shopping online. However, i have noticed that all the sites i go on only stock sizes 8 to 14! Which is absolutely ridiculous! why the hell would any shop stop their sizes at 14? Do they not know that the average girl is a size 16? i find it really harsh in all honesty. Not only is it unfair that curvaceous girls who are a size 16 like myself, cannot wear their clothing but also, its causing pressure on girls to change their bodies just to look cool in their clothing. Maybe i should tone my body up and become more healthy? i mean it would probably do me the world of good! but, what if i dont want to? what if i really like my fat arse? should i shrink it just because i want to wear clothing from that shop?.....should i fuck! i vote that all shops higher their sizes to at least a 20, and stop this pressure to make all girls clones!

Who wants to be a sheep when you can be a human?

Just have a little faith!

Well its that time again where i go through that phase of doubting my talents and abilities to do things! oh great!

I don't know what sets these doubts off but i really wish they would fuck off.
Again I'm doubting my abilities as a photographer and wondering if I'm doing the right thing with my life.

i guess people stealing my ideas and interrupting my shoots to take photos of my projects, and then saying they had those ideas first, is kind of a reason behind me doubting myself. But i just wish that for once, i could be happy in what i do and not suffer the spout of doubts i get each and every time i think I've finally found out what I'm good at.

sometimes i seriously wonder why i even bother getting out of bed.

lets hope these doubts fade quickly!

Music is the rhythm of my soul....or at least i think it is!

So i havent updated my blog in almost a week, which feels so strange!

I've not really been up to anything too rock and roll since i last blogged. Although i have been to see the blackout again, which was awesome!

since having a conversation late one night with someone about lyrics and techniques i've pretty much done nothing but write lyrics. Some of which i never thought i was capable of writing never mind bringing up those sections of my life again. There is one song in particular that i think should remain locked in my treasure box until i feel comfortable for people to know what happened. Its strange because the situation its about isn't exactly a nice experience yet, after writing it, i felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I'm kinda happy i wrote it, but at the same time it was hard to think about those events again whilst jotting it down. Maybe in time i will share it with people, or maybe it will remain a secret, locked away in my treasure box never to see the light of day. Either way i'm proud of myself for writing it, not only that but its the first song i've pretty much written in the space of 3 hours (youtube was my biggest distraction).

I have another completed song that i really want to put to music, but theres one problem. I just cant seem to figure out how it should sound, and its really bugging me. People keep telling me to do whatever feels right, but i genuinely dont know what feels right at the moment. I'm kinda thinking that if i struggle along and finally finish it, it may turn out better than i imagine. But we shall have to see on that one.

If we continue to struggle down a winding road, will we eventually end up walking along the straight and narrow?

"i wanna rock n roll all night and party everyday!"

these past few days have been extremely eventful! so many fun times to remember. Let's start with thursday!


Firstly my compact flash card was buggered so I went into town with my boyfriend to get a new one, boy what a fuss that was! Trying to find one that wasn’t 80 quid! When we got to the venue my camera decided that it had no battery left! So I had to run around trying to find someone with the same charger! Finally got back to the venue in time for sound check. After sound check I went to the pub with the crew and my boyfriend for a cheeky pint, we had a good laugh playing deal or no deal and taking the piss out of dom! We got back to the venue and I had a quick 5 mins to say hello to some friends before rushing off to the dock ready to photograph lights go blue (awesomely nice guys!). their music isn’t too bad either actually, bit poppy for me but I deffo had a little dance to them whilst I took some photos.
After lights go blue had finished I went and sat with amy and jack, and had a little bitch about a friend of ours ex girlfriend. And jack told me I’m a 9/10 whoop whoop! Don Broco were up next, the singer moved so bloody fast at first it was hard to get a still photo of him, but after the first song I figured out his routine of movement and managed to get some good photos. I really enjoyed their set, very different music to what I would normally listen to. Plus their singer had some proper guns on him!
After Don Broco came the legends that are enter shikari, as I was waiting in the dock to photograph this smoke machine went off in front of me covering all the photographers and myself in smoke so no one could see us, was pretty funny! Photographing enter shikari’s set was so insane! At one point one of the bouncers lifted me up to avoid a crowd surfer, and I completely shit myself cos I had no idea what was going on! I also ended up with a crowd surfer on my head at one point! After I finished photographing I stood at the side of the stage and watched the rest of their set. Those boys are insane, they were running along the bars at the side of the crowd and jumping into the crowd. One girl fainted in the pit, she fell down like a sack of shit! At the end of the show once we got rid of the crowd and the venue was all packed up, I sat around chilling with the bands and I got chatting to one of the merch boys, who was insanely drunk! I ended up in a group photo with enter shikari, Don Broco and lights go blue which was quite cool.

FRIDAY

On Friday me and my boyfriend travelled to Wolvohampton to see the blackout. The venue was really weird, we had to go to a pub to collect our guestlist passes which was quite strange. Once we were inside the gig we bumped into snoz and got chatting about the events that happened on the night of my birthday, and just had a quick catch up. The first band were called the urgency, they were ok, but I don’t think I would listen to them all the time! During Hollywood undead my boyfriend spotted gavin so we went and said hello, but as we were walking to gav I noticed a guy wearing a mask looking at me as I walked past, and I was sure it was sean, but the mask really freaked me out so I carried on walking with my boy. I later found out that it was sean! I am so good at spotting people! Hollywood undead are the weirdest band I think I’ve ever witnessed in my life! I really didn’t expect a bunch of masked guys to start rapping on stage. I genuinely thought they were gonna be a bunch of slipknot wannabe’s! boy was I mistaken! Silverstein were up next! I remember being really into their music in my earlier emo days when I was 16. Their set was pretty awesome! They even played an old favourite of mine.
Lastly the blackout came on stage and opened up with shut the fuck upper cut (one of my favourites) in superb fashion and then went straight into spread legs not lies which is equally as awesome! I danced like a complete prat during their set, and I jumped with too much force during save ourselves that both soles on my shoes cracked open! Once the blackout had come off stage we went round to the back of the venue to wait around for them to come out. Whilst we were waiting, there were two guys stood next to us who OBVIOUSLY thought they were gods gift, who kept shouting things like “I’m a guitarist obv’s I’m cool” and “I work for the blackout that must mean I’m awesome!”. The blackouts crew guy shut them up tho! He replied “if you guys haven’t got any decent replies or can throw a good punch I suggest you shut the fuck up!”. I’ve never seen too hard knocks go so quiet in all my life. Sheer brilliance! Then we watched these two boys who looked like they were gonna self combust because reese and gav were infront of them! Haha! When sean came out me and my boyfriend went over and had a little chat, my boy got his photo taken with sean after years of never having his photo with him, and afterwards I had my photo taken with sean again. Except I look like a hamster in my photo because sean told me something dirty which made me laugh! A little while later a girl walked up to sean and asked “sean can I smell you?” which I found highly amusing, and had to hold back the urge not to laugh at her!

I really cannot remember anything else from those two days except that they were both possibly the funniest and most enjoyable days I have had in a while! Oh an that this is possibly the longest blog I have ever written!

"when all's said & Done"

I'm on a complete high right now. I'm currently listening to the sheer brilliance that is the blackouts new abum and.....OH MY LIFE! my little ears have been blown away! I never thought i would hear my self say how meaty they sound. but they truely are! very impressed!

so i'm bumming around my boyfriends house waiting to get the thumbs up to go photograph an possibly chillax with enter shikari. I'm actually really excited for tonight, not neccesarily because i'm photographing them but also because i just love to dance like a prat to their music! In fact i love dancing like a prat to any band full stop!

I''m also super excited to see the blackout tomorrow. it will be interesting to hear how they play their new album live. I''m particulary looking forward to them seeing my boyfriend sober, unlike the last time we saw them. Now that was possibly the funniest night of my life! I have never witnessed him so drunk in the whole 7 and a half months we've been together. Nor have i seen him shake someones hand 60 times in one go! so many fun memories in one night.

i acually have nothing else to say in this post today, my mind seems to have slipped out of my head! maybe i'll find more thoughts to share tomorrow!

Comfort Blanket

so, i don't know what's happening but I'm becoming rather addicted to my blog recently. Its becoming my comfort blanket for venting things on my mind. In all honesty....i kinda like it!

Today hasn't been the best of days and here are a few reasons why!
1. my memory card for my camera has decided it doesn't want to work, therefore left me looking like a prune as i was about to start my fashion shoot in the studio. bad times!
2. When i finally got into the studio to do my shoot, i just couldn't seem to get my lighting right. you know what its like, you have a vision but you just cant get it across. It was rather annoying that my tutor actually liked my shots but i knew i could have done so much better. bad bad times!
3. I suffered every photographers worse nightmare.........creative block! its kinda like writers block only instead of loosing your mojo to write stuff, you loose the ability to direct people. this can be incredibly annoying, especially to impatient people like myself. bad bad bad times!
lastly number 4. i was in such a rush to grab my stuff from my locker, in order to catch my bus on time that i left my key in my locker door. unfortunately for me i have things in there that i cannot loose, and most likely they will be robbed over the half term! bad bad bad bad times!

I could seriously smack myself in the head today, with all the stupidity my body and mind are creating. They're like their own little enemy force today. Sometimes i really wonder why i bother trying to make something of myself.

but surely if travel round a crap corner, sensibility is on the other side? only time will tell!

ventilation

some times i really wish i owned a blackberry or maybe a sidekick just so i can blog from where ever i am, anytime day or night and just vent whatevers on my mind.
Today has been stressful to say the least! I really cannot wait to curl up in bed and sleep off this fowl mood.
mothers are the most stressful creatures god ever created. all they do is dictate your whole life!
if i was god, i would definitely make the world a really chilled out place to live. you know kinda like how hippies are in those 60's movies, all free and floating around, not a care in the world except maybe letting your boobs go commando just to stick it to the man! although how thats sticking it to the man i will never know, but it does seem kind of kinky. maybe its ment in a more provocative way. i dunno but i'm drifting.
my beds calling maybe i should get in it.
another 8 hours of pure photographic heaven await me tomorrow!

tales from the stormy sea

recently I've been writing some lyrics and I've noticed that they're a lot different to the old stuff i used to write about.
I used to write about things relating to love -well what i thought was love-, emotions and other teenage things. But these new lyrics I've written have turned a new direction.

One of the songs i wrote is loosely based around certain front men I've met over the past 7 months. all of whom are lovely to your face, but aren't polite enough to reply to your messages. I think it would be really funny if in the future this song was heard by all the front men its based around. i wonder if any of them will figure out its about them. hmmm....only time will tell!

another song I've written is about a lost friendship between me and my previous best friend. at first i thought it would be really hard to come to terms with the fact that a, my friendship with him is gone and b, actually coming to write about our seperation from each other. suprisingly for me i found the writing really easy, even though i still think about him and the fun times we used to have. It's sad to loose a friend who was virtually my brother for 3 years, but i think things in my life would be so different now if i still had him in my life. And i wouldnt have this new song without our friendship failing so that has to be a plus point right?

Thats what you get when you let your heart win!

Recently i dont know whats going on with my body but, i wake up every morning feeling like i've just been hit by a bus. Its starting to get annoying!
Alot of stuff between old friends has gone on recently and im thinking maybe thats something to do with it. But honestly, i really don't know. One thing i am sure of...i need a change and fast!
I guess i just cant get my head around the fact someone who was supposed to be my best friend, went behind my back and became buddies with the one guy that tried to tear our friendship appart. Not only that but she's totally ignored me and acted weird around me since february.
So i find myself asking the question "what is friendship really worth?". Almost every best friend i've had since 2005 has deserted me or turned themselves into my enemy for no apparent reason, except for 2 people. And other friends, well what can i say. Most of my friendships have turned into really awkward situations and thats not how friendship is supposed to be...is it?

to go or not to go, that is the question

so, i just got an invitation via facebook to go to an old friends birthday. Sounds good huh?
wrong!
It would be ace to catch up with all the boys again and have a few drinks. but the fact that two of my old best friends , one of which is my enemy and the other who is slightly backstabbing, might be there is putting me off.
Sometimes friends from the past are better off left in the past. There is a small part of me that wishes it was the summer of 2006 again, but then i think if i relived that part of my life, i wouldnt be the person i am today or would i of met the people i have today.
sometimes life likes to creep up on you and bite your butt just to let you know everythings real.

Theres a first time for everything

I've decided that i need to start writing a blog again, since my live journal got deleted.
so here goes!

It's funny how you can meet someone new, who seems like a genuinely nice person. But the minute you contact that person, you may as well of hit the pause button.

why spend time getting to know somebody if in reality your never going to have the decensy to reply back?

of course if the person your waiting a reply from is busy, you would understand, but when you know for a fact they are not well...what then?