"But I'm just a ghost "

i still dont feel right. i cant quite explain it in all honesty. its like i'm me but at the same time i'm somebody else too. i feel so lost, scared and helpless. but then i'll perk up for a bit and feel on top of the world, like nothing can get me down.
but of course this doesnt last long. maybe i've been bottling up my feelings for too long. i should really vent myself more often. even if i dont feel like it. well theres no time like the present now is there.

i guess the first thing on my mind is this whole thing about my boy telling me he thought a girl in work would look good in a pair of french knickers. sounds silly that this should upset me. but it did. i'm not the worlds most secure person, nor the most confident. i was ok with it until i saw who she was for myself. and when i did i swear i felt myself crumbling on the inside. i mean shes stunning! long legs, a size 6 maybe even a 4!! long brown hair. you know the typical girl you want to hate. i know he's told me he's sorry he told me and that he wouldnt go near her but the thing is he works with her. he's her supervisor for fucks sake! of course he's gonna see her all the time. i'm trying my hardest not to let it all get to me but i'm sure other girls would feel the same in my position.

secondly. i've just started back at college. its been weird to say the least. i've had a few anxiety attacks since i;ve been back. i'm pretty sure its all because i'm back at college and a lot has changed. we're now applying for uni, and that scares the hell out of me. i know there are other people who feel the same as me and are probably shitting themselves too. its just such a big thing to go through. i mean i'll be leaving home, living in a city i dont really know, in a building with people i dont know. thats the biggest thing that scares me. i saw some photos earlier of someones freshers week and nearly fainted! there is no way i would survive the first week of freshers if i drank the amount these guys did. i can barely manage two pints let alone a whole crate to myself! and another thing is there flat was so unbelievably trashed. i dont think i could live in a place where your flatmates scrawl the word cunt in chocolate all over your kitchen. that would just do my head in.

and lastly well.
i guess i'm praying that my uncles cancer miraculously disappears. i've seen someone go through that before and in all honesty, i think i would break in half if i had to watch another person go through all of that. i mean i know i dont speak to the guy i saw go through it anymore, but i wouldnt wish what he went through on my worst enemy.


i'm going to bed its far too late

"i'm slipping into a world that doesn't belong to me"