"But I'm just a ghost "

i still dont feel right. i cant quite explain it in all honesty. its like i'm me but at the same time i'm somebody else too. i feel so lost, scared and helpless. but then i'll perk up for a bit and feel on top of the world, like nothing can get me down.
but of course this doesnt last long. maybe i've been bottling up my feelings for too long. i should really vent myself more often. even if i dont feel like it. well theres no time like the present now is there.

i guess the first thing on my mind is this whole thing about my boy telling me he thought a girl in work would look good in a pair of french knickers. sounds silly that this should upset me. but it did. i'm not the worlds most secure person, nor the most confident. i was ok with it until i saw who she was for myself. and when i did i swear i felt myself crumbling on the inside. i mean shes stunning! long legs, a size 6 maybe even a 4!! long brown hair. you know the typical girl you want to hate. i know he's told me he's sorry he told me and that he wouldnt go near her but the thing is he works with her. he's her supervisor for fucks sake! of course he's gonna see her all the time. i'm trying my hardest not to let it all get to me but i'm sure other girls would feel the same in my position.

secondly. i've just started back at college. its been weird to say the least. i've had a few anxiety attacks since i;ve been back. i'm pretty sure its all because i'm back at college and a lot has changed. we're now applying for uni, and that scares the hell out of me. i know there are other people who feel the same as me and are probably shitting themselves too. its just such a big thing to go through. i mean i'll be leaving home, living in a city i dont really know, in a building with people i dont know. thats the biggest thing that scares me. i saw some photos earlier of someones freshers week and nearly fainted! there is no way i would survive the first week of freshers if i drank the amount these guys did. i can barely manage two pints let alone a whole crate to myself! and another thing is there flat was so unbelievably trashed. i dont think i could live in a place where your flatmates scrawl the word cunt in chocolate all over your kitchen. that would just do my head in.

and lastly well.
i guess i'm praying that my uncles cancer miraculously disappears. i've seen someone go through that before and in all honesty, i think i would break in half if i had to watch another person go through all of that. i mean i know i dont speak to the guy i saw go through it anymore, but i wouldnt wish what he went through on my worst enemy.


i'm going to bed its far too late

"i'm slipping into a world that doesn't belong to me"

"I don't want to be alone. But now I feel like I don't know you"

tonight has been a weird night to say the least!

2 anxiety attacks in one night is not my idea of fun. and whats worse is that i dont even have the faintest idea why i had them! i wish i didnt have this body anymore, its completely broken! if i'm not ill, i'm aching. its getting beyond a joke now.

i also just found out one of my uncles has bowl cancer too, which to be honest shocked the hell out of me. i dont think i can go through this again with another person. the last time broke me enough. i pray to god that he will be ok and that his health will restore its self over night. i do not want to witness the pain and suffering this horrible disease does again, i'll crumble!

i'm not myself at the moment and i'm not sure why. i'm guessing coming off my medication has something to do with it but i really do feel like a completely different person. i'm just not happy. i feel sick constantly, anxious all day long. i mean come on! i've had enough of this already. when am i going to go back to being me? isnt it time already! i'd like me back please if it isnt too much to ask. oh and my confidence would be nice too. i miss it ALOT!


"and in the free fall i will realize, i'm better off when i hit the bottom"

"next time you point the finger i might have to bend it back and break it off"

i've had one of the most stressful days ever!

i'm not gonna lie, i was tempted to punch my tutor square in the nose.
obviously i would never really do that because a, i would get kicked off my course and b, i'm not a violent person, angry sometimes but not violent.
he just infuriates me when he takes control of my work and when i need his help he buggers off to help the rich kids. i mean i know their rich but come on, no need to suck up to them! i waited an entire day for him just to help me with my set which royally pissed me off, not to mention that still life is possibly the most mind numbingly, boring part of photography. i mean seriously, anyone could do still life, even my dog could do still life. i need a challenge, i like a challenge, GIVE ME A BLOODY CHALLENGE!!!


not only have i had to deal with the stresses of incompetent tutors but, theres been this big who-har in college between a friend of mine, and some other girls over something which quiet frankly didnt need to be turned into a slanging match. arguing over whos gonna "bang" (thats punch to me and you) each other first. but the thing is, i'm easily influenced and feel pressured to join in with these shenanigans, despite feeling guilty inside. i dont know whats wrong with me, surely i should be able to stick up for myself by now? clearly not!

on a brighter note, i listened to paramores new album today, which in all honesty its completely different to their old stuff. not one of the songs is catchy and thats what i like about it. i think my favourite song at the moment is playing god, possibly misguided ghosts too. i'm not fully decided as of yet. i was going to wait until my order of brand new eyes turned up on my doorstep but, it was posted on their website and all over every web site i go on and i caved in to the pressure. OH WELL!


"I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back, don't try to follow me, cause I'll return as soon as possible, see I'm trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe"

"its essentially nose humping"

so... its 2:51am and i am wide awake yet again! i really need to get my sleeping in order. especially as this year is my final year in college before uni. i need to make sure i have good grades! ooh which reminds me i need to actually get off my bum and do my college work at home, i nee to be strict with myself. its just so gosh darn hard! you know what i mean right?

It's also getting to that time of year when yet again i decided "hey lets get healthy and loose some weight", i say this about 6 times a year and never manage to full fill this idea. its hard man, when you try and eat the healthy stuff but your mum keeps buying the cakes and the biscuits, even tho she knows your trying to be good! but hey i can keep trying. its not like I'm obese or anything, I'd just like to shed the few excess pounds i have and in all honesty gain some energy that i simply do not have. i'm tired of getting out of breath when i run. anyways we'll see how this one goes....

I'm really excited for this weekend. I'm spending the whole weekend at my boyfriends house and for the first time in our relationship his house is gonna be empty for the whole weekend! which means we actually get to be one of those couples that hogs the tv and lays all over the sofa all snuggled up. sounds kinda gay but you have no idea how frustrating it is, when your boys dad insists you watch egg heads instead of the simpsons! i'm kinda hoping this weekend will give us both an insight as to what it would really be like living together on our own. exciting stuff!

earlier i stumbled across some screen shots of an article in kerrang magazine about my favourite band paramore. and i noticed that the photos of the band where actually really creative. not your bog standard shot of a band sitting on a sofa, with over contrasting colours. this was something really creative, something i havent seen in music photography and quite frankly its about time! dont get me wrong i love music photography, its something i love to do myself (well the live side of it anyways), but most promotional stuff you see these days is just generaly the same pose for every band just set out in a different location, with the same over editing and use of the contrast button. these photograph make me want to experiment with my own ideas and creative flare when i go back to college. i think i might try to recreate these photos first before attempting my own versions, and adding my own twist to the mix. I'm really inspired, thank you Dave Willis for restoring my faith in music photography!

wow its 3:05am, i really should start sleeping like a normal human being! but its kinda hard when you've been confined to your house for almost a week and half because your little bro has the swine flu. its stupid, there should be boredom packages sent out to all families who have someone with swine flu in there house. you have no idea how bored you can get of watching tv all day! and thats where the bad sleeping pattern emerged! i stayed up so late watching tv that i've slept until 12 catching up on the Zzzzz's and now i'm stuck in this vicious circle of being awake at 3am.

speaking of being awake i should be asleep! my bed is calling me, finally it wants a slumber party!

"co-ordinate brain and mouth"

i'm not doing very good at this blog thing am i?

in all honesty i've been avoiding talking about myself or my feelings for a while.
its kinda like i dont want to admit theres a problem when deep down under the surface i know there is.
i haven't been or felt like myself in a long time. i'm becoming more drawn into myself and i dont like it not one bit.
but what can i do to change back? pretend everythings ok? well that will only work for a short time.
i wish i was 16 again, i used to have so much confidence in myself.
i wish i wasnt scared to show people the real me, but i am and i need to deal with that.
why do things have to change? why do we have to change?
if only we could all be children forever, immature and easily amused.
i guess coming off anti depressants doesnt help my thought process but, why should it be so hard?
shouldnt it be as simple as putting pen to paper? i guess not.
i feel like a fake drug addict, i'm not craving the pills just suffering the withdrawal effects. not exactly like sipping a nice hot chocolate i can tell you!
imagine feeling nauseous from the minute you wake up to the minute you fall asleep, everyday for the past almost 2 weeks, and thats exactly how i feel. not to mention the mood swings, headaches and the ability to suddenly feel down in a matter of minutes for absolutely no reason.

i'm rambling now, this post hasnt exactly been successful, but hey its good to vent!

"every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore"