topic? what topic?

wow! its almost been a whole month since my last update. i didn't even realize time had flown by so fast! what a month it has been.

summer is finally here! well at least the humid air is! and i have tanned on only one half of my body....nice!

I've been trying to think of a topic for my summer project for college and i got to say i am struggling a bit!
i know i want to base my theme around fashion, but which area of fashion i do not know! its beginning to really irritate me!

Its all if a sudden gone hot again and i do not have the patience to sit here and write a HUGE ass blog today! maybe I'll write one tomorrow. we shall see.

oh but! i did write a new song the other day about groupies and obsessed fans. its kinda become my favourite song I've written :)

"Dear comfort blanket, i need a cuddle"

I'm incredibly hungover today. its my own fault, but still doesn't help! I went out to a goth night last night in wrexham! i had possibly the funniest night i've had in a while!
but i realised half way through drowning my liver that, tomorrow is my friends anniversary of his death. which made me drink more! i ended up on self destruct mode. i drank a stupid amount of alcohol (for my lightweight self anyways) and by the time my boyfriend picked me up i could barely talk straight let alone walk in a straight line.

I dont know what else to say today but i'll leave you with a part of my song i wrote a few weeks ago:

"I know I will never get it
Not even if I search for it
I don’t want to know
I just need to understand

I hope you’re happy now
It’s all I ever wanted
Even if at times
I never said it

I love you, I love you
I hate you, I hate you
I miss you, I miss you
Come back,
Come back to me,
I’m begging you please!
Please just wake up"

"I hope you had the time of your life"

I'm in a bit of a fowl mood today. It's suddenly dawned on me that its the anniversary of my friends death soon. I was alright until out of no where a picture so bloody vivid of him popped into my head. And now i cant stop picturing it. Since he died I've never really pictured his face, not even when i talk about him, and seeing his face so clear like that frightened me in a way!
I miss him and i love him dearly, but at the same time i hate him. Or more i hate what he did. To end your life with no explanation at all is selfish! I still cant get my head around that.
I'm trying hard not too let this all get me down but it doesnt help that i'm under pressure at the moment. I have so much anger built up inside of me, i fear that i'll end up unleashing it on someone i love.

So in order to avoid hurting someone i love, i'm going to just write, write and write. whether i end up with songs, poems or just journal pieces, i dont care! But i cant let this eat me up any more!


For Trevor, because he loved this song!

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

"Fuck you, Fuck you very much!"

well, after having a beasting from both jons (my tutors in case you were wondering!) I managed to finished two projects in college which to be honest, could have been done sooner except i am a lazy shite! And in all fairness, they were possibly the two most boring projects ever! but never mind because they got done in the end!

I also got informed that if i finish all my work by the 15th I'll get a 100 pound bonus! that's some incentive right there!

Something i am not too pleased about is, the fact i have an abscess on my tooth! I went to the dentist earlier and was told (after a very painful xray), that i would need to have that tooth removed! Which for anyone who knows me, knows how incredibly terrified i am about needles and dentists. not to mention the idea of having any of my teeth removed. Although strangely i am not scheduled to have it removed until august which is a long way off.

To keep my mind off my tooth i've been window shopping online. However, i have noticed that all the sites i go on only stock sizes 8 to 14! Which is absolutely ridiculous! why the hell would any shop stop their sizes at 14? Do they not know that the average girl is a size 16? i find it really harsh in all honesty. Not only is it unfair that curvaceous girls who are a size 16 like myself, cannot wear their clothing but also, its causing pressure on girls to change their bodies just to look cool in their clothing. Maybe i should tone my body up and become more healthy? i mean it would probably do me the world of good! but, what if i dont want to? what if i really like my fat arse? should i shrink it just because i want to wear clothing from that shop?.....should i fuck! i vote that all shops higher their sizes to at least a 20, and stop this pressure to make all girls clones!

Who wants to be a sheep when you can be a human?

Just have a little faith!

Well its that time again where i go through that phase of doubting my talents and abilities to do things! oh great!

I don't know what sets these doubts off but i really wish they would fuck off.
Again I'm doubting my abilities as a photographer and wondering if I'm doing the right thing with my life.

i guess people stealing my ideas and interrupting my shoots to take photos of my projects, and then saying they had those ideas first, is kind of a reason behind me doubting myself. But i just wish that for once, i could be happy in what i do and not suffer the spout of doubts i get each and every time i think I've finally found out what I'm good at.

sometimes i seriously wonder why i even bother getting out of bed.

lets hope these doubts fade quickly!

Music is the rhythm of my soul....or at least i think it is!

So i havent updated my blog in almost a week, which feels so strange!

I've not really been up to anything too rock and roll since i last blogged. Although i have been to see the blackout again, which was awesome!

since having a conversation late one night with someone about lyrics and techniques i've pretty much done nothing but write lyrics. Some of which i never thought i was capable of writing never mind bringing up those sections of my life again. There is one song in particular that i think should remain locked in my treasure box until i feel comfortable for people to know what happened. Its strange because the situation its about isn't exactly a nice experience yet, after writing it, i felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I'm kinda happy i wrote it, but at the same time it was hard to think about those events again whilst jotting it down. Maybe in time i will share it with people, or maybe it will remain a secret, locked away in my treasure box never to see the light of day. Either way i'm proud of myself for writing it, not only that but its the first song i've pretty much written in the space of 3 hours (youtube was my biggest distraction).

I have another completed song that i really want to put to music, but theres one problem. I just cant seem to figure out how it should sound, and its really bugging me. People keep telling me to do whatever feels right, but i genuinely dont know what feels right at the moment. I'm kinda thinking that if i struggle along and finally finish it, it may turn out better than i imagine. But we shall have to see on that one.

If we continue to struggle down a winding road, will we eventually end up walking along the straight and narrow?